Mixed Signals

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day via the fashionmagpie on creative commons It has been a rough period for me just recently. I think it may be what happens in blogging pretty often but I am not sure. I know it can happen in everyday life as well. The only trouble is when you say things in writing it doesn’t always convey all the feelings behind what you are saying. And when you are blogging you are writing things quickly without being able to give them a lot of thought.

I expressed my frustration of being in a blogging community. Not the whole gigantic WordPress community. But a smaller community that was supposedly set up to promote community between those who were participating. People have said I have unrealistic expectations about that. That even though I signed up to this blogging group I should not have expected it to be a community. Well I guess I did expect that because I thought that is what I was told at the beginning. Oh well, was that mixed up communication again?

I expressed my frustration and probably too personally with another blogger in the group. That they weren’t coming back and reading my posts. I am sure part of this, a big part, is getting used to this social media. You have to be careful how you say things but then when you are trying to write at such a quick pace you are not always choosing your words carefully enough. And sometimes my mouth is speaking before my head is engaged. And I am a person of strong feelings and sometimes I express them, maybe a bit too freely.

I was actually trying to reach out to other bloggers and I guess, with some of them, I made a big mess of it. Then next thing you know there is a whole separate post about it with all these bloggers chiming in on what a jerk I am. Well that’s how it sounded to me anyway.

There have been a lot of supportive people as well. Well you know how that goes, sometimes it is really hard not to focus on the negatives.

I made a snarky comment last night on a post because after reading all these critical comments I thought the person was talking about me as well. Turns out they weren’t.

I feel like Alexander who had a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Has this ever happened to anyone else with their blogs?

*I am a nice person but not perfect and been known to stick my foot in my mouth. I do feel bad if I hurt someone else’s feelings.

|Nano Poblano|

49 thoughts on “Mixed Signals

  1. Hariod Brawn

    Deborah, we have already played this out over at my place and so there is no point in rehearsing it here all over again; save to say that as you know, your position was, in my view, both utterly justified and entirely logical.

    “And when you are blogging you are writing things quickly without being able to give them a lot of thought.”

    I don’t understand why you say this, and why you repeat it too: “. . . when you are trying to write at such a quick place you are not always choosing your words carefully enough.”

    What is the compulsion to rush? Where is the pressure coming from?

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    1. Deborah Drucker Post author

      The daily blogging for the month of November. And I am new to this blogging so it does take a while to develop a style and pace and learn how to use all the technology and creative commons, etc. etc. It is a big learning curve. And sometimes I do shoot from the lip. Does that make sense?

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      1. Hariod Brawn

        Yes, of course it makes sense Deborah. It is your decision if you want to write and speak impulsively, though of course, it will bring its own consequences occasionally. I find one has to, in part, think about how one’s words are likely to be interpreted as one writes. So for myself, the writing process holds a dichotomy wherein I am both the author and the reader. This seems to be a fairly efficacious damage limitation exercise! o_O And of course, Silver Threading is quite right, one must choose one’s friends with care.

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      2. Deborah Drucker Post author

        Well I have written some very nice posts. I am not constantly shooting off my mouth. Also I have to remember people are reading my comments between my blogger friends. That is the bad thing about this blogging too. There is no privacy. You are right about this dichotomy. Makes we wonder if it is worth it to do this. You are really exposed and more vulnerable. I have to remind myself it is really like being on Facebook only I am writing longer posts.

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  2. Laura L.

    I don’t know what the drama is/was and don’t wanna know, but I will comment upon cliques and the Internet. I haven’t experienced what you have (yet) in the blogosphere but I’ve mentioned being relentlessly trolled in another area or two of the Internet. (It’s briefly mentioned in my About page and one of these days when I have time, I will post more about it.) There are ALWAYS going to be people who don’t like you (anyone) on the Net. This is your space. You get to say what you want, how you want it and you can delete crappy comments that you don’t like. That’s so much more freedom than some of the other forums out there. It sucks getting argued with, it sucks when expectations and hopes aren’t met (realistically or otherwise), but while things last forever on the Internet they also move about 7 times faster than face-to-face life. Today’s hassles will be a DISTANT memory in a few weeks. And, for those who insist upon dragging it out longer…meh.

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      1. Laura L.

        I don’t think so. Sorry. Nothing wrong with a short, quick apology, heart-felt IF you don’t then get sucked into a quibble spiral (been there/done that). Apologize, explain if necessary, no more than 3 sentences, and leave it. Some people will accept it, some will want to drag out the drama. The blog owner has the ability to cancel it all.

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      2. Deborah Drucker Post author

        Thanks Laura for the advice. Really appreciate it. I just did leave a quick comment about the comment. I have really been on a roll lately and not in a good way I tell yah! Hope you are doing ok. I am thinking about you and appreciate that you took the time to think about my blog problem. You are very kind.

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    1. impossiblebebong

      About cliques in the internet… I recently moved away from a community where the “powers that be” are not interested in other members but themselves and boosting each other’s egos and patting each other’s backs (God, I hope I don’t stir things up by mentioning this)

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      1. Deborah Drucker Post author

        I have been thinking about this idea of cliques a bit since one of my other blogger friends mentioned cliques. I thought there was a circle the wagons reaction to my comment. I had an expectation of community in my smaller community. Most people in that community were open to the idea I think. I have met other bloggers since I started with Blogging 101. I really like some of the event groups. It depends on who is hosting the group or community. The ones I am involved with have been very welcoming. I think I had an expectation that not everyone agrees with and was a bit naïve about it because I am fairly new. But the blogger who had helped to stir things up, not intentionally I think, did take my point seriously and said he is making an attempt to visit his regular commenters blogs. It is hard to check out all the followers. I know I am behind in that myself. But it is nice to check in at least from time to time with your frequent commenters. Or if someone keeps liking your posts. It is true that there can be some blogs I or you may not feel a connection with and that is OK too IMO. Thanks for your comment.

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      2. impossiblebebong

        I guess we are all guilty sometimes of little social stumbles whether in real life or in cyber space. We are all humans riddles with humans attributes so mistakes are allowed. it is very difficult to be everything for a lot of people. one way or another no matter how hard we try, we bound to offend few souls out there.

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      3. Deborah Drucker Post author

        Yep. I think it is important to say what we want to say on our own blogs though. Just have to be prepared for a possible reaction. Don’t worry I don’t get on my soapbox all the time. But sometimes I do. 🙂

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      4. impossiblebebong

        The moment we put our thoughts out there, they are out of our control and just like you said be prepared because anything could happen. But sometimes it is tiring to carry an umbrella all the time fearing for the rain.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Deborah Drucker Post author

        We can not fear. Just learn not to take criticism personally. We are human after all but have a right to say what we feel is important to say and sometimes make mistakes. I think I have realized I have to know that I am human not perfect.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Doobster418

    Okay, now you really have me feeling bad for being the one who wrote that “whole separate post about it.” But while there were some who suggested that your expectations — not for community, which is definitely a reasonable expectation — of views and comments back just because you commented, were a little unreasonable. While almost as many others thought that your expectations were perfectly reasonable. As did I. In fact, your post, which I reblogged, prompted me to committing to read the posts of those who commented on my posts to at least get a sense for who they are and what they blog about.

    And I believe that, by joining Nano Poblano, you have, in fact, joined a community of bloggers who read and comment on your posts, which is, I think, what you set out to do.

    So I apologize, Deborah, if my post yesterday resulted in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. That was not my intention.

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    1. Deborah Drucker Post author

      Thanks I appreciate it. I have been feeling pretty upset. I think it is because I am new to this whole scene. I took the critical comments of some of your commenters to heart as well. I was saying to someone else that sometimes I shoot from the lip. When I said I was talking about you when you asked. I could have explained it better and said it was my frustration talking. I guess I did have unrealistic expectations. And I am probably half nuts as it is with this blogging every day thing and learning all the ropes. Yes, people have been supportive you are right. Thanks for talking with me about it. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings by suggesting you were conceited for not reading my posts.

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      1. Doobster418

        No worries. And you didn’t hurt my feelings. I have pretty thick skin. I actually thought you made a very good point. I deserved to be taken to task for not making more of an effort to check out the blogs of those who regularly comment on my posts. I was just really surprised at how my post yesterday seemed to bring out all kinds of comments and responses from all kinds of people. Don’t sour on blogging. It really does take all kinds and one of the things I’ve learned in my years of blogging is that some people will like what you have to say and others won’t. But just keep saying it and be true to yourself.

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  4. Sandi

    So sorry to hear this, Deborah. There are so many different views out there about follows, likes, comments, etc. I sympathized with your post yesterday. Yes, we were told that WP is a community — they call it the “community pool,” don’t they? Particularly with comments, I have put my foot in my mouth a lot: sometimes I’ve misunderstood the post; sometimes I’m in a hurry; sometimes — I did this yesterday and hope that I haven’t permanently lost someone’s good opinion– I say something stupid. Comments are the hardest part of blogging (but then, I haven’t had the courage to write about something controversial. You did, so kudos to you!).

    You are one of my favorite bloggers, and I hate that you had a bad day. (I thought your post was going to be about the movie “Alexander etc.,” which I saw — um, make that slept through. It takes a pretty edgy movie to keep me awake at the movie theater, sad to say.) Not knowing the whole story, I may be making one of those stupid comments right now. I hope not!

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  5. Victo Dolore

    I love you, your blog, and your comments. I empathize with the being upset over comments. Yours was actually the first negative comment I had received, blogging. Ever. And it really wasn’t that negative. But it made me think, reconsider, and grow and I am so glad that you made it, even if I did lose sleep over it. 🙂

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      1. Deborah Drucker Post author

        Thank Goodness I said it kindly. No I still say that it because you care and are conscientious that it bothers you. Keep up the good work. And you are doing very good work and I am not talking about your blog now. Although, that is good too. 🙂

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  6. idiotwriter

    I have seen it happen many times – to lesser and greater degrees. People support each other in different ways. Sometimes protection comes in unexpected ways. It is a lovely world – it is also cruel an nasty…
    But blogging IS worth it. Though emotionally draining at times. We learn and see things we would never otherwise have seen.
    One more piece of advise if I may – take it from whence it comes.
    Just slow down, and if you ever think a post is about you again, whether it be seemingly good or bad… wait and see if you REALLY want to be called out on it or not by how the community at large is responding to it, Doobs did not name you – you named yourself and dug the hole ever deeper.
    We tend to do that sometimes. And sometimes we need someone to stop us in our tracks. Firmly.
    Before the foot goes deeper.

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. DebraB

    I see that in this post and the previous one you mentioned, people have debated this issue pretty thoroughly, so I don’t want to rehash every point. I just want to say that social media can be both lovely but also hard on the ego (with the temptation of counting all the likes and followers and commenters, etc.) I’m still trying to work it all out in my mind myself. I do try to visit the Nano Poblano blogs as much as I can. The problem is that we have committed to writing every day, so that takes away the time that we could be reading as well. You, Deborah, have been lovely about visiting often and making comments. You are appreciated!

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  8. Opinionated Man

    I am probably the last person you want commenting on your blog so if you delete this that is ok. I wanted to let you know that although my comments were aggressive, much like you I shoot before much thought, but they were given for a reason. I took your comments personally because I have had those accusations thrown at me over and over by bloggers here and there. I get fed up hearing people bash “powerbloggers” because I feel I do try and help new bloggers out. I don’t “feed off them.”

    Anways, I hope you keep blogging. It is never my intention to tear another blogger down, but as bloggers we are allowed to disagree and debate. That is what social media is for. I hope your week improves and you don’t take too much of all this to heart. -OM

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    1. Deborah Drucker Post author

      Thank You for reaching out. I felt that my comment did trigger a very angry reaction from you and that it was not just because of what I said. In other words, as you say you felt bad from prior accusations and you took it personally. Well, I know what you mean about taking things personally because when I was reading all the comments people were making about what I said about bloggers reciprocating and visiting their commenters blogs I felt like they were criticizing me for what I said. I think writers are attached to their opinions and words and when the opinions and words are criticized it is like they are criticizing the writer. Yes you are correct that others have a right to disagree and I too have to work on not taking it personally. I think we are alike in our tendency to react with passion sometimes. I think we need to work on not judging others when we don’t know them. You did not really know me and I did not really know you. Now maybe we know each other a little better. Thanks for the good wishes. I am doing better. 🙂

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  9. kimicalreaction

    Deborah, I’m relatively new to blogging and new to the peppers and writing every day too. I’ve really appreciated your kind and insightful comments on my blog. Thank you for reading, and not just reading but actually thinking about what I have written, and caring enough to let me know. With me, sometimes commenting is a “courage” thing. I’m trying to do better. 🙂

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    1. Deborah Drucker Post author

      You are doing great. There was a bit of a controversy with one of my comments. Usually there is not a problem. But I guess it’s good for me and everyone to know that we can all mess up. Like when I misinterpreted what someone said. I think that unknowingly I stumbled upon a nerve with this controversy that just occurred about one of my other comments. New bloggers are frustrated wanting to get noticed or wanting to make connections with others. The bigger bloggers were saying they can not reciprocate because they have so many followers. Gads. Anyway, I think both sides of this controversy have now gotten to know each other better. Maybe some of the bigger bloggers will be interacting more directly by following some of their commenters and reading their posts. So that is good. Thank You for your kind words and comment. Appreciate it very much. Go ahead and keep commenting you will do fine. 🙂

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      1. Holistic Wayfarer

        Hi Deborah,

        I can no longer keep up with every subscriber and it takes me way longer than I’d like to get back to some likers but commenters are first in line for my attention and I do my best to visit back, though that also takes a while. There’s a lot of behind-the-scenes work to my blog, a great deal of preparation talking with prospective collaborators and editing their work, the time I put into my own posts which I am grateful that my readers value, trying to get back to all the responders – all while juggling homeschooling, extracurricular classes for my child, DISHES, cooking. It takes me 3 hrs to get back to the first wave of comments after I post. And I don’t even have the following that the largest blogs among us do. Just another perspective, that I at least do my best to support back. But it IS hard. =)

        I think you’ll continue to do fine out here.
        HW

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      2. Deborah Drucker Post author

        Thank You for your in depth comment. I am behind getting back to my own followers and frequent likes. That is my goal over the next 2 weeks to go visit my followers and frequent likes as best I can. Well, we all have different goals in our blogging and right now I would have to visit your blog to see what you are about. But one of mine to is have a community with some fellow bloggers. In that if I have a frequent commenter on my posts and I have a cordial relationship with them I want to make the effort to go and check out their blog. I don’t feel I have to follow someone if I can not relate to them but I would like to at least make a visit. It sounds like you are in a business and working with other writers already. I understand what you are saying that it is pretty hard to go visit.

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  10. Robin

    Putting our thoughts, ideas, and opinions out there into the world is terrifying. I recently read somewhere that if nobody hates what you’re writing, than you’re not interesting enough. I don’t know if that helps your situation at all, but I’m holding onto that idea for the inevitable day that I suffer the wrath of angry internet comments. 🙂

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    1. Deborah Drucker Post author

      Thanks Robin. I like that idea. I think the comment I made on my own blog about bigger bloggers not reciprocating..the comment was a bit provocative because I was voicing my own frustration to one of my friend bloggers. When the other blogger used that comment for his post it was provocative. That created the storm I think. I am pretty new at this and it took me by surprise and my feelings got hurt. But now I have had time to step back a bit and discuss it with others and I am feeling better. It was a learning curve. Thanks for reaching out. 🙂

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  11. Audrey Meltzer

    You already know I hold you in high esteem, Deborah, and that includes my respect and appreciation for you. I think it takes a great deal of courage for old and new bloggers alike to voice opinions. To read, to hear, to listen takes sensitivity and a willingness to hold in abeyance our own natural inclination to react before we respond.
    I learned something from your nana — something I don’t always do, yet still try to remember and try for — and that is to separate a person’s behaviour from a person’s essence. I don’t know if that is fully appropriate to say here, but will take my chances. I hope to continue to learn courage from those who display it!

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    1. Deborah Drucker Post author

      Thanks for your comment. xo I was surprised by the reaction but now I understand better what caused it. I think this topic is something people have been raising before. It is hard for new bloggers to get noticed and establish relationships. It seems other bloggers once they get established don’t want to have to reach out. I have found others who are very willing to reach out. My comment in a way threw down a gauntlet. I did learn something from this though. Not to take things personally. At least not the bloggers that disagreed with me. The more angry comments were different but I have cleared the air with that blogger as well. So things are better now. It took me a few days to get to where I am now though. 🙂

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  12. Audrey Meltzer

    It is a process, I believe. I think those who are new to an established community can experience difficulty or ease, often dependent upon the attitudes within the more established group. Plus, of course, we bring our own expectations and sensibilities. And I believe it’s really hard not to kind of automatically take some things personally. I think it took courage on your part to follow through and wind up where you are now. Here’s to more of your excellent blogs!

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